I have had a lot of complicated illnesses in my life but the last surgery was a bit terrifying. I had a transplant (kidney-pancreas) in 2000 after three years on dialysis. In 2009, HUP discovered cancer in my "native" kidney. (They don't take out your kidneys when you have a transplant.) The surgeon decided to remove both native kidneys. Eight hour surgery then weeks waiting for results, it came back positive for Renal Cell Carcinoma. But by the grace of God it was encapsulated inside the kidney.
No chemo no radiation nor further surgeries.
I still worry about it every day.
One day post op they sent a social worker to my home to have a chat, a catch up, on how I was feeling. I was stoic, I rambled on about everything but the "cancer." The SW finally looked at me and said, you know, you had cancer, you ARE a survivor, it's perfectly alright to be upset.
I never felt like a "survivor" I felt more like I dodged the very-bad-things-in life bullet only to worry that I would be hit at some future date as my immunosuppressants were "probably" the cause. "I will worry about that later" kind of mentality took hold when I was diagnosed post op. I have life to live! I have a child to raise! A nursing career!! A thousand and one books to read!!
I also needed to escape, (she taught me imagery too but that's a blog for another day) and needed to then face the reality of life. Merge the two for better living.
The SW told me about this lovely book. The Solace of Open Spaces by Gretel Ehrlich. Now, just be forewarned, people either love her books or hates them. Now, I think Erhlich is a beautiful writer but sometimes you feel as adrift as she does. Which is the whole reason why I was recommended to read this book. Beautiful thoughts and wanting to escape our prisons of illnesses or constraints do not coincide very well inside a thoughtful soul. She was the perfect writer for me. She took her past, merged it with her escape. Found answers. Merged.
Others may read this differently but it was a perfect book for me.
From Publishers Weekly on Barnes and Noble:
Like many before her, poet Gretel Ehrlich discovered the therapeutic qualities of the West. In 1976, a time of personal crisis, she moved from the East to a small farm in Wyoming where she ultimately found peace of mind and inspiration. Originally, she had gone west to make a film for PBS; she returned to work with neighbors at cattle- and sheep-ranching, taking pleasure in open spaces. Ehrlich writes with sensitivity and affection about people, the seasons and the landscape. Whether she is enjoying solitude or companionship, her writing evokes the romance and timelessness of the West.
Every reader stumbles upon a book that makes sense to them. They take that book and the author's life/voice/narrative and gently soaks it into their own chaos. It stabilizes. It breathes a bit of life back into you. I would be interested to hear what book has "saved" you when the whole world felt like a prison.
And. I wish you well.
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